How to Give Good Feedback?

Feedback. That magical word that technically means “a constructive response,” but in real life often means “I’m about to tell you everything you’re doing wrong, wrapped in a compliment so you don’t cry.”

We all know feedback matters. Yet very few people actually know how to give it. Because honestly, nobody at school ever taught us how to say, “This really isn’t great,” without the other person hearing, “You’re really not great.”

So here’s a short guide for everyone — managers, teachers, creatives, partners, and anyone simply trying to survive a group project without passive-aggressive messages in their inbox.

At Work: Somewhere Between “You’re a great team player” and “Don’t touch the mouse when I’m presenting”

Workplace feedback follows predictable stages: panic, prep, sweaty palms, awkward silence.

Tell a colleague they need to be more punctual, they hear: “You hate me.”

Tell your boss the communication could be clearer, they hear: “I’m staging a coup.”

Good feedback starts with specificity.

Not: “You could work on your communication.”

But: 👉 “In the last meeting, you didn’t share the full plan, so the team wasn’t sure about priorities. Can we add a short recap at the end next time?”

Keywords: specific, drama-free, no amateur psychology.

If you want to sprinkle in humour:

“Hey, great presentation — but next time when we reach slide 37, maybe we add an oxygen break.”

It’s still criticism — just oxygenated.

A classic formula: SBI – Situation, Behaviour, Impact.

“In yesterday’s meeting (situation), you interrupted our colleague a few times (behaviour), and it demotivated her (impact).”

That’s not “You’re annoying.”

That’s: “Your behaviour has consequences.”

Huge difference.

At School: Between “You’re trying” and “If you write ‘alot’ one more time…”

Education is an emotional minefield. Teachers want to be supportive yet firm. Students want recognition, but not their essay read aloud like a cautionary tale.

The golden rule: criticise the work, not the person.

Bad feedback:

“You never listen in class.”

Good feedback:

“I can see your attention drifts — maybe jotting down short notes while I’m talking could help.”

That way the student feels supported, not attacked.

A professor friend of mine has a brilliant approach: when a student submits a weak essay, she doesn’t write “-3 points” in red ink. She writes:

“Good attempt. This text deserves a bit more attention. Imagine reading this in a newspaper — would it keep you interested?”

That’s feedback that opens doors, not slams them.

In Creative Work: Between “This is genius” and “What were you trying to say?”

Creatives are a special species — their idea is not just work, it’s ego, soul, and three sleepless nights.

Giving feedback is essentially open-heart surgery with jazz playing in the background.

Saying “I don’t like it” means nothing.

Saying “The colour and typography don’t reflect the brand’s energy” means everything.

Bad example: “The logo is weird.”

Good example: “This sharp line feels too aggressive for a trust-based brand — what if we explored softer shapes?”

If you’re working with a writer, don’t say:

“I don’t get the ending.”

Say:

“The ending is unclear — what motivates the characters to make that choice?”

The artist isn’t your enemy. They just live in a parallel universe of colours and metaphors — you’re there to translate, not attack.

In Personal Relationships: Between “We need to talk” and “Nothing’s wrong, everything’s fine”

Now for the toughest category: feedback between people who share a couch. Or a bed. Or a family WhatsApp group.

Here, feedback often turns into an emotional boomerang.

You say: “You forgot the dishes.”

They hear: “You’re a failure as a partner and everyone is disappointed in you.”

The fix? Use ‘I-statements’, not ‘you-accusations’.

Not: “You never listen.”

But: “I feel unheard when I’m talking and you’re on your phone. Could we agree on some no-screen time?”

For parents of teens:

“I’m not angry you were late — I was worried because you didn’t let me know. Next time, just send a message.”

One sentence changes the whole emotional climate. And sometimes saves Sunday lunch.

The Sandwich Method: Compliment – Critique – Compliment

Ah, the classic.

“Great job on the presentation, the slides were too long, but your energy was amazing!”

It can work, but careful — people know when you’re buttering them up before the slap. Too many compliments = fake. Too few = villain from The Godfather.

A better alternative? The BOOST model: Balanced, Observed, Objective, Specific, Timely.

Feedback given three weeks late has the same value as a Christmas card in March.

Common Mistakes (aka How Not to Be the Passive-Aggressive Feedback Guru)

❌ “It’s nothing personal, but…”

If you have to say it, it’s personal.

❌ “Everyone thinks so.”

Don’t invent a crowd to hide behind.

❌ “I’m only trying to help.”

If you must clarify it, you probably didn’t help.

Instead:

Give feedback only when the person can actually change something.

Ask: “Would you like some feedback?”

Keep it short. Anything over 3 minutes becomes a TED Talk.

Feedback That Builds Trust

In work, school, art, or daily life — the foundation is respect.

Good feedback empowers. It doesn’t belittle.

It opens conversations instead of shutting them down.

When you give good feedback, you’re not saying:

“Here’s a list of your flaws.”

You’re saying:

“I believe you can be even better.”

That’s the greatest compliment you can give.

How Not to Become a Passive-Aggressive Zen Master of Feedback

• Talk about behaviour, not personality.

• Be specific, not philosophical.

• Give it promptly, but respectfully.

• Ask, listen, leave room for the other side.

• And always — absolutely always — add a dose of humanity.

Because to paraphrase the old proverb:

Bad feedback breeds frustration; good feedback grows people.

And if all else fails, you can always say:

“It’s not perfect yet, but it’s heading in the right direction. Just like the rest of us.”